“No man wants to be around a bunch of thirsty Christian singles.” That’s what a lady said to me a few months ago when I asked her about singles ministries. It was the second time in one week I’d heard someone use that phrase.
And it bothered me.
It bothered me because these two ladies felt there was something wrong with them because they wanted to get married. They had internalized the idea that wanting a husband, made them desperate and needy.
But it was all a lie.
The Lie of Self Sufficiency
We live in a world that tells us that we need to be:
- self-sufficient
- a self-made woman, and
- above all else— independent.
But the truth is: it’s not good for us to be alone.
Loneliness Kills
A recent study linked loneliness and feelings of social isolation to death.
Time magazine reported that the feeling of loneliness increased the risk of death by twenty-six percent. Scientists found that housing and technology trends are contributing factors, because we can interact without being physically present.
But research shows that relationships helps us combat stress and give meaning to our lives.
Maybe that’s why the Good Book talks so much about fellowshipping, family, and marriage.
Made to Crave Community
Because craving community is an innate desire that goes to the core of who we are. We all want to be loved, cared for, understood, and known.
And who better to meet that need than a husband?
It’s Okay to Want a Husband
Dr. Aesha Adams Roberts explains that when we acknowledge the need to be loved, accepted and significant. It helps us see how valuable we are and positions us to receive what someone is giving.
That is not the same as being ‘thirsty.’
Traits of the Thirsty
Because ‘thirsty’ is a new addition to my vocabulary, I had to bring in some reinforcements. Here’s what my three brothers (30, 28, and 26, respectively) said thirsty looks like:
- Possessive
- Jealous
- Attention Seeking
- Seeks “situationships” as a means to fulfill a need
- Talks Provocative
- Forward
So if you don’t fall into these categories, I think it’s safe to say that you are by no means thirsty.
But in the Meantime…
The desire to be forever connected to the man of your dreams can sometimes be heavy. It may seem like everyone is hitched, engaged, or booed up. I promise you…everyone is not.
After a break up, I once spent a RIDICULOUS number of days eating ice cream, listening to ‘I’m Telling You’ by Jennifer Hudson (on repeat!), and watching Mahogany.
But did I post that on social media? No.
Don’t compare your insides, to other people’s outsides—or what they post.
Surround Yourself with Sisters
Surround yourself with loving people, especially sisters.
After the aforementioned break up, I took a three-year dating hiatus. It wasn’t planned. But I just needed time to recover. My sisters (from work, church, my gym, and neighborhood) helped me heal and helped me discover my gifts and talents—it’s one of the reasons I’m writing now!
That’s the gift of sisters.
Women Are Relational
There is no substitute for good female friendships—even after the man of your dreams comes to sweep you off your feet. So start building those relationships now.
And the next time some knot head tries to make you feel insecure by saying you’re thirsty, your sisters will remind you that: no, you are NOT thirsty.
You just want all that God has for you.
Question: Dearest Sisters, can we agree that the term ‘thirsty’ does not apply to us? I am convinced that it is the voice of the oppressor trying to beat us down.
*This story originally appeared at blackandmarriedwithkids.com*
Sooo good Simone. I would add that when single sisters seek that “safe” connection with other sister friends…they don’t always have to be single friends. In fact, some of my most cherished and safest council and empathy and closeness comes from a set of married sisters. I’m fortunate because some schools of thought promote the lie single and married female friends don’t and shouldn’t mix…that’s not only bologna that’s the good bologna Boar’s Head Bologna! So I would encourage both married and unmarried sista friends to be open to friendship bonds which is quite Biblical from the training up stand point.
Thank you SO much for making that plain, E!
I agree 100 percent! We should ABSOLUTELY seek sisters along the relationship spectrum:dating, waiting, married. (Please forgive me, I made it seem otherwise. That was TOTALLY not my intention.) Seeing the Ables and their thriving family restored my hope in marriage. So I certainly believe female friends should mix. It is so Biblical: Ruth and Naomi, Mary and Elizabeth, and I can’t think of any others right now. But there is wisdom to be shared from both sides.
Love you!
ps: I burst out laughing when I read your comment about Boar’s Head Bologna! That is too funny, but SO real.
Simone, thank you for this post. It is affirming and comforting to hear that its ok to desire marriage. It is even GOOD (since its not good for man to be alone). When reading the descriptors your brothers provided I felt the common underlying thread was insecurity. When we are insecure its because we do not know our identity. We don’t know we are loved and valued. I have been there and am still a work in progress. I have acted out and been needy and desperate as a result of insecurity. I am learning balance and health and wholeness. I am learning the balance with having unmet deaires and not letting them rule me. Tx again for ur encouragement to single women!!!
Hey Nicole! Yes, it ABSOLUTELY is. I think the messages and headlines that we are bombarded with, sometimes make it seem like the opposite of what the Good Book says. But I think God is all about demonstrating his love through marriage. Priscilla Shirer says that “marriages and families are a big deal, because each one is a billboard for the eternal, unchangeable love story between God and human kind.”
What you said is such an important point.
YES! Insecurity and not knowing our identity is the root of all those things they mentioned. ( I smiled when I read your comment, because I’ve been working on a post about identity off and on for weeks.) But it is such a complex subject and I’m trying to hear the Lord. And it such a blessing to witness what Father is showing you on this journey. Thank you for sharing with us, Sis.
Simone, thanks so much for sharing this fabulous piece. Single Christian women like me need to hear this message. As someone who has always been single (never been in a relationship and waiting on God for marriage), I have been thinking about how it’s okay to desire marriage. It’s a good thing that was created by God. Obviously, I don’t think you should make the desire into an idol, but it’s okay to have the desire. So, I appreciate your empathy and validation. 🙂
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Hey! Thanks a bunch for stopping by and sharing! I love the season that you are in, Monica; waiting and pursuing your dreams. And I think there is so much, we as sisters, can learn from you. Why am I saying all this? Because I dated so much before me and Morris married, I had A LOT of baggage. Thankfully, the Lord gave me a patient husband…that’s loved me through all that.
It is ABSOLUTELY wonderful to desire marriage.
I believe that Godly marriages present an example to the world of just how much Christ loves the Church. And that’s why the oppressor tries to plant those seeds of doubt that there is something wrong with us because we WANT that.(Okay, I feel like I’m rambling). I just want to say, you are coming from a place of having guarded your heart, with regards to relationships. And that my friend is beautiful. So grateful this post encouraged you. Love, Simone
This is great, Simone! Important reminders (and affirmation) for single women, but also a good reminder in general that we, as women, need our friendships. 🙂 I’m thankful we’re writing buddies. 😉
Yes, Laura! We absolutely do…I read a really great story in the New York Times that spoke to the importance of women friendships. God just designed us for community. And I’m SO grateful for you too writing buddy!
Wow… Thirsty? Thanks for educating me on that one! Simone, thank you for boldly stating the simple truth… Desiring to be married is not a weakness. Heck, taking my husbands last name was even questioned by some friends when I got married. I heard the comment by Chris Rock recently.”, saying… Did you ever notice the people telling you not to take a job are not working? Consider the sources, and seek God as you wait. Wanting to find your mate is not needy, it’s part of our design. Thanks for the honest perspective Simone!
Omigoodness, Linda! It was an education for me too!
It never ceases to amaze me just how much nonsense there is in the world. I’m not sure if I shared this with you, but back at my old job…a former co-worker changed her name once she married. And she had the VERY same experience as you, maybe even a bit worse. Women were coming by her office telling her she was weak and that she shouldn’t give up her identity and change her name… I was floored that people could be so brazen, about her personal decision. I’m sorry that you had a similar experience.
But your advice is SO on point–>> CONSIDER THE SOURCES.
That advice is applicable to soooo many situations, jobs, relationships, and all around life. Thank you for confirming that the desire for a mate is not needy. I agree with you 100 percent, it is a part of our design.
Traits of the Thirsty…you slayed me! So funny, but so true.
Unfortunately, people often view a woman who makes it clear that she’s ready to get married as desperate or needy. But when a man say’s he’s ready to be married, everyone wants to go on a 40 day fast and bombard heaven for his wife to appear! Smh, such a double standard.
Thankfully, I’ve never been one to let other people’s views dictate how I feel or what I decide. For the longest, I never had the desire to be married because it’s so much work! I was like, who has time for all that? Then I matured and decided to stop having sex out of wedlock. Suddenly marriage seemed more appealing, lol! But seriously, God began to show me that marriage is an earthly representation of His love between two committed people: to each other and to Him. That’s beautiful and I would be a fool not to want that. I began to speak this desire out loud because God has shown me how powerful my words are. Wouldn’t you know people started saying things like “Don’t rush it.” and “Girl, be careful what you ask for.” Bye Felishas!
I started expressing my desire for a husband openly about a year ago and began thanking God in advance for his provision in that area. Recently I met a man that I think could be the one and I’m enjoying the courting process! So let people say what they want. We get one shot at this life here on earth. I’m not going to waste it worrying about folks and their hang-ups.
Ok, rant over. Thanks Simone!
Faith Simone recently posted…New Release: His Final Deal!!!!
I AM BEAMING OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!
I really really want to just write in all caps and end every sentence with an exclamation point, Faith. Omigoodness. I am just so happy. Faith, I mean, I remember the switch from some of your comments. And over a year ago you were thinking about settling for someone, and your mom said she was going to hit her knees and pray. Gurrrrl, I was praying too! And then you decided to wait on God’s best and wow.
I saw your video a few weeks ago, and then a REALLY nice man commented on your blog. And I wanted to know if that was your fella? But I was trying to be cool and not be all up in your business. Omigoodness, I’m just so happy. He just seems really kind and intentional (if that’s him from the comment) and I just can’t wait to see what God does during this season.
Whew. Won’t He do it?!
Okay, I’m calming down now. I busted out laughing when I read about the double standard. Lord have mercy, it is so true. Thanks for being so real and so transparent and sharing your journey with us, Faith.
YES! I agree with everything that God spoke to you…marriage is absolutely a representation of God’s love. And I’m so happy you didn’t take the words of doubters to heart. Soak up every minute of the courting process, and keep on thanking God for his provision in advance (love that and you!)
Simone
Lol, I’m cracking up, Simone! You and my mama both and a whole slew of people prayed up a storm to make sure I didn’t settle for less than God’s best and I’m so thankful!!!!!! I know I dodged a bullet there.
I’m not sure if my fella commented on the post, I’ll have to check that out. He didn’t mention it to me if he did. But I did run it by him first before I vlogged about it. I’m hoping we can do one together in the near future!
I’m excited about what God is doing in my romantic life, but even if this man is not my forever mate, I’m cool with enjoying the process. I’ve learned so much about myself in just a few short months. But I’ll elaborate more on that during our call on the topic of celibacy!
XoXo!!!
Faith Simone recently posted…New Release: His Final Deal!!!!
Bwhahahaha! [insert praise break] I can SO relate, I have dodged far too many bullets to count! But God…
Y’all doing a vlog together would be awesome! I think it’s really considerate for you to run it by him first, I do the same thing with my husband. Because I don’t ever want to say anything that would embarrass him. Btw, I really LOVE your vlogs…we’ve been friends across the interwebs for a while now. But with the vlogs, I feel like I’m really getting to know you. Girl, I watch them as soon as I get the notifications!
What a beautiful thing to be so open-handed with this relationship?! Sometimes, I feel like we just need to be reminded that every guy in the world is not a knucklehead (even though, there are a plenty). And I can’t wait to hear what you are learning on the call!
Yes to all of that, especially about being reminded that every guy is not a knucklehead. I was thinking about this earlier and your comment is confirmation that I should go ahead and follow my heart and do a vlog on that very topic.
Btw, the guy that commented is not THE guy, lol. That’s just my happily married blogger buddy. 🙂
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Ohhhhhh! Thanks for clearing that up about THE guy. See, I knew it was good I didn’t jump to all types of conclusions in the comment section:-)
“No man wants to be around a bunch of thirsty Christian singles.” This is probably the same woman who spends her nights in her prayer closet, praying–no, begging–God to “please send her somebody.” The nerve! I don’t think there is anything wrong with someone being vocal about wanting a husband. There is certainly a difference between saying what you want and being so utterly desperate that you’d be willing to sacrifice all of your good sense and morals just to get some man’s attention. If people want to be happily single, more power to them. But why denigrate someone just for expressing something they desire???
Say it, Quanie! Say it. It took me a while to fully process what she said, but the more I thought about it…the more it bothered me. The thing is, unfortunately, that line of thinking is kind of accepted without question. But it can be SO damaging. Thank you for affirming that there is “nothing wrong with someone being vocal about wanting a husband.”
Now that I’ve processed, though, I’ll be ready with an answer! I think we, as women, can also do our part to refute that line of thinking. Because like you said–there is nothing wrong with someone expressing what they desire.
I’m ALL about this post! And no thirsty is not the best word to describe yourself as a Christian woman seeking a marriage. My views on finding a mate are a bit “non-traditional”. I’m a firm believer that waiting to be found is not the best state for any Christian, especially women. It is soooo important that women both single & married come together to learn from one another’s mistakes and successes. This is how you learn to be a wife. Hello Titus 2! Once we get past fear, we are our biggest support when it comes to all relationships. So to cease my rant… I AGREE with you my sister ! Lol
Hey Kelly! Thanks a bunch for stopping by. yes, Yes, YES! I so agree with you, I’m not sure if you read E’s comment but she was saying the VERY same thing. We as women (single & married) must come together and learn from one another’s mistakes and success and get past fear. And it SO can happen when we are real and authentic with one another…that’s what I’m all about–building a community of women that support each other in seeking God’s best.
I have to say, Sis..you schooled me on some Bible Teaching today! I had to look up Titus 2, I knew that a community of women was Biblical. But now I have the reference for learning to be a wife. Thank you!