Relationships

How to Recover from the Mr. Wrongs and Get Ready for Mr. Right

June 19, 2014 // by Simone// Leave a Comment

Spiritually speaking, my college years were dark. And, when I look back on those years I shudder. Because, I entangled myself in bad relationships and situations that could’ve ended in a number of dire situations.

Thankfully, the Lord used those years to teach me priceless lessons. And, God has used my story to free other women. Looking back, I can see that it was all about rebellion.

Mr. Wrongs

Rebellion from the lessons of faith I had been taught growing up. I thought I was running into freedom, but I was actually running into destruction. And, it took a long time to untangle my soul from the men I had attached myself to. My road to redemption started with me telling my dad that I didn’t want to live that kind of life anymore. But, it was still a long road from there.

The Switch

While living in El Paso, TX with my grandfather, I began dating my first Christian guy. I had it all planned out– we were going to get married. He went to church and loved Jesus. That was enough for me. Let’s seal the deal.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had asked my dad if we could get married. And, we had only dated a few months. My dad’s response was “let’s see what happens.” Not, exactly a vote of confidence. There were a few red flags, but nothing I couldn’t “sort out” once we were hitched.The relationship seemed to be going well until September of 2007.

And, then the boot dropped. He gave me an ultimatum. Was I going to stay in El Paso after school or move away?

And, I…I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to be open to God’s will. I didn’t want to commit myself to El Paso! My life was just starting. And, I said just that.

And, he broke up with me.
I was crushed. I cried and listened to Jennifer Hudson’s “And, I’m telling you I’m Not Going” for about 3 weeks. And, I watched Mahogany with Dianna Ross for the first time.

The Good News

The good news is that I survived. And, God continues to use my sordid past and my terrible break up for His glory.
Romans 8:28 says that: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God didn’t intend for me to experience those things. It was my disobedience that led me down that path. But, He can use it all the same.

My Dating Hiatus

I swore off men for three years after my break-up. And, the next man that I dated was Morris, my awesome husband.

During that dating hiatus my relationship with the Lord grew strong. I prayed more. I studied the Bible more, and I began paying off debt and running half marathons. God used my dating hiatus to strengthen me personally. And, heal my heart from relationship wounds.

I read a book this month entitled, The Waiting Room by T.C. Spellen. It is a 31-Day Devotional for single women waiting for the right husband. I loved this book, because it is a spiritual roadmap to preparing for marriage. T.C. includes discussions on:

Taming the Tongue
Creating Boundaries
Praying

These are things that I learned during my dating hiatus. But, I think T.C.’s book could’ve helped me recover from the Mr. Wrongs and prepare for Mr. Right a lot faster.Question: How have you recovered from the Mr. Wrongs? And, what’s your strategy to prepare for Mr. Right?

PS: I’m hosting my first relationship workshop next month. I’d love for you to come. You can buy a ticket here.

“I Don’t Need a Man”

June 5, 2014 // by Simone// 2 Comments

That’s what a woman said to me when talking about her desire to me in a relationship. She said, “I don’t need a man, I just want one for companionship.”

It took me a while to process what she said. And, I don’t remember my response. But, I remember thinking “that makes no sense. And, I’m sure a man would never want to be around you…given your sour attitude.”

But, in reality, her sentiment is echoed by many women. Remember, the scene from the movie, Best Man: Holiday, where Jordan tells her new boo she doesn’t need him?

It is painful to watch.

A word from men on this subject.

Later on, the words of one of the christian black men that I interviewed
earlier this year came back to me. He said that “often times women convince themselves that they don’t need a man, and it affects how they treat them.”Now, that statement makes perfect sense!When we don’t need something, we treat it accordingly.Think about all the things that you don’t need i.e. the extra pair of jeans that we no longer fit/need that we keep around for posterity. We just throw them in the closet any old where. But, that new dress that makes you feel like a million bucks…that dress gets prime closet real estate.

It is a fact of a life, we treat things that we value with care. And, if we don’t value being in a relationship with men. It will affect how we treat them.

A word from an expert on this subject.

Laura Doyle discusses this in her book , The Surrendered Single. She says that saying we don’t need a man is ultimately about control. She says that denying what we want is a way of controlling our desires so that you can ward off the fear, disappointment,and humiliation.

Needing a man does not equate to being desperate.
She says “being loved by a man is our birthright as a woman. Mating is one of the oldest, ingrained human instincts. While self-sufficiency is admirable, it doesn’t fulfill our needs to be intimate with a man.”Laura explains that surrendering to the desire to be married changes our countenance and body language. “Instead of wearing I-don’t-need-a-man body armor, you’ll signal “I’m available to the right guy.”

The Good News
The good news is that men need us. God said so in Genesis 2:18. “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper* suitable for him.” So, if men need us. Surely, we can’t be too proud to admit that we need men too.

*I know that word “helper” is a touchy subject. I’ve been researching it and we’ll be discussing it soon.

Question: Do you know anyone that wears I-don’t-need-man body armor”? If so, how does it affect their relationships?

*******
PS: In July, I’ll be hosting my first live event in Washington, D.C! Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing details next week.

The RIGHT Person Myth

May 22, 2014 // by Simone// 2 Comments

“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book, Growing Together in Family.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.

My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.

It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXJe7tsgZqM

So, what did you think?

The POWER of First Impressions

May 15, 2014 // by Simone// 2 Comments

Image | www.adriansnood.com

First impressions are powerful and key to building professional relationships. Because people make decisions based on them. For example:

Are you trustworthy?
Are you friend or foe?
Do they like you?
Should they hire you?

Do you know that we only have 7 seconds to make a first impression?

It’s true, according to Forbes.

Part of making a good first impression is believing in yourself, the person you are, and your potential. Perhaps it sounds silly, but each of us has God-given gifts and talents the world needs. And, not making a good first impression could be a barrier to us sharing our gifts with the world.

Let’s look at five easy ways to make a good impression.

SMILE

Employers, generally, want to hire friendly people. Smiling is the quickest way to demonstrate that you are friendly and approachable.

MAKE EYE CONTACT

Making eye contact shows interest and demonstrates that we have nothing to hide. Now, I’m not saying STARE. Because that’s just weird. But, the majority of the time we should be giving the speaker our full attention.

FIRM HANDSHAKE

Giving a firm handshake demonstrates that we are confident and helps build rapport. According to Forbes, a firm handshake can establishjust as much rapport as 3 hours of interaction.

FOCUS ON THEM

Pay attention to the speaker and what they are saying. Don’t focus on how you will respond. Doing this frees you to live in the moment and be authentic.

One of my clients is an actor, and we talked about this a few weeks ago. He explained that focusing on the other person (or the given objective in actor speak) frees you to be more responsive.

POWER POSE (before hand)

Before going into a stressful situation like a first date, performance, or job interview. I recommend power posing. I learned about this idea from a TED Talk by Amy Cuddy.

The idea is that our posture can determine our outcome because we feel better about ourselves. She recommends holding postures of power for 2 minutes for an instant confidence booster.

I know you may be skeptical. Morris was too. But, guess what?

Just before he did our taxes last month…I caught him power posing.

So, give it a shot! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Check out Amy’s 6-minute concept here: If you found this post helpful, leave a comment below or share it! It makes me feel better to know that I’m not writing long letters to myself:-).

Love, Simone

Question: What other tactics can we use to make a good first impression?

What Do You Deserve?

May 1, 2014 // by Simone// Leave a Comment

So many people feel like they deserve so much:

I deserve this promotion, because I’ve worked here for 30 years.
I deserve this house and car, because I work 40 hours a week.
I deserve this man, because I’m educated and have a decent job.

Entitlement is a disease. It affects the way we behave and treat people. Because you cannot be grateful for something that you feel entitled to. Pete Wilson talks about this in a great blog post entitled, The Death of Gratitude

Entitlement will kill any relationship
When you have the mindset that you deserve something, you won’t appreciate it. For example, I could not appreciate it when my husband takes out the trash…if I feel like that’s his job.

Comparison Society
I was talking to my wise friend, Byron, about this topic. We agree that the rise of social media is a contributing factor.Because it allows us to constantly compare ourselves to others. We see an image of someone’s new car or new house and say to ourselves “Hey, I’m waaay better than them. So, I should have something better.

I Struggle Too

I’ve been blogging for 4 years, and I feel like I deserve to be a lot farther along. The problem is that I compare myself to the results of others. I see people on Shark Tank and think “ I could do that.” Or I read a post and think? Why does this person have more followers than me? I’m a way better writer. But, I’m comparing myself to their results…not their journey to their results.

Relationships
The same is true for relationships. You may think you deserve this person or that. But, if you are comparing yourself to people that seemingly have it all together …be careful. You don’t know what they’ve been through.

What Do We Deserve?
Absolutely nothing. And in the end, simply waking up in the morning is a bonus.

A Word from Dave Ramsey

When someone asks Dave Ramsey “how are you?” He says “Better than I deserve.”Now, this is a man that has been featured on Oprah, has at least 3 New York Times Bestsellers, is an award-winning radio host, and has helped millions of people attain financial freedom. Yet, he doesn’t feel entitled to anything. The world would be a better place if more of us held this attitude and lacked a sense of entitlement.

Question: What strategies can you and I use to fight the entitlement mindset?

*Image|umbc.edu

This week, I’ve been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Summary

According to Amazon, for more than 60 years this book has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives. The book will teach you:

* 3 fundamental techniques in handling people

* 6 ways to make people like you

* 12 ways to win people to you way of thinking

My Review

I cannot say enough good things about this book, because it saved me from damaging my relationship with my husband one day. I think of this book sort of like a reference book for solving relationship, marriage, and family problems. Even though, Mr. Carnegie primarily intended for it to be used for professional relationships. The lessons are applicable to family life.

The only down side of this book is that some of the reference to famous authors and thought-leaders of that day are lost on me. I had no idea who Leland Foster Wood was, but nevertheless the information is helpful to building rich relationships.

Best Feature

The final section of the book is entitled, Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier. Here are Mr. Carnegie’s Rules:

Rule 1: Don’t nag.

Rule 2: Don’t try to make your partner over.

Rule 3: Don’t criticize.

Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.

Rule 5: Pay little attentions.

Rule 6: Be courteous.

Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

For each rule, he tells a story of how the rule should or should not work at home. For example, did you know that Abraham Lincoln’s wife was an incredible nag? It’s true! Before being president, he would even arrange his travel schedule to be away from home for long periods of time to avoid her.

This is one of the stories that motivated me to stop nagging.

Rating

Two thumbs up!

Next Review

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones