M Simone Boyd
Have you ever been in a situation where the room goes silent, everything is in slow motion, and despite the fact that there are 30 to 40 people in the room you realize…you are the center of attention?
Perhaps that’s happened to all of us. We realize, we should know something that we just don’t know. …
I opened the refrigerator door to discover that two bags of frozen vegetables had been removed from the freezer, opened, and placed in the refrigerator.
The bags of vegetables were identical.
Both bags were clearly labeled: KEEP FROZEN.
Yet, the vegetables had been left in the refrigerator.
This was a major problem. And, I was furious.
Only one other person lives in our 300 sq ft studio apartment. So, I knew immediately knew who to blame. …
The problem with falling in love, is that you can fall out of it.
But, true love is a decision to stay committed even when things get tough.
We’re talking about this topic today, because two of my friends recently stopped dating nice guys because there was no chemistry. And, it made me a little sad. Because, I don’t want my friends to miss out on true love because of a misconception.
Chemistry Ain’t All That
The misconception is that chemistry/falling in love is the end all be all. It is not. And, I think pop culture has warped our sense of what it takes to make a relationship work.
It also got me to thinking “Did me and Morris have chemistry when we first met?” He says we didn’t. I agree.
We didn’t have chemistry in the sense that our eyes locked, music started to play, and we began that slow walk toward each other across the room like you see in the movies.
Nope, the beginning of our relationship was a series of miscommunication, misread signals, and near misses. But, that’s a tale for another day.
Love is NOT….
Erich Fromm, a German psychologist, explains in his book The Art of Loving that love is an activity, not a passive effect. It is a “standing in” and not a “falling for.”
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages, explains that the feeling of “falling in love” has three problems:
1. Falling in love is not an act of will…it just happens to you.
2. Falling in love is effortless. We do outlandish things with no effort at all.
3. The “in love” experience does not encourage us to help the other person grow. We view them as perfect.
And, that just ain’t realistic. Because not a one of us is perfect. And it is generally when we realize “Hmmm, this person has some flaws.” That we start to fall out of love.
But, true love empowers us to love each other despite our imperfections.
Love IS….
The Bible explains that love is:
And, if we base our capacity to be in a loving relationship based on chemistry, we are doomed for failure. Just like the ups and downs of Love and Basketball.
So, do you agree or disagree? Is there a problem with falling in love?
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| Image | USA Today |
Yehuda Fishkind, a Certified Financial Analyst, came to my job a few years ago to conduct a Financial Planning Seminar for new hires. At the beginning of the seminar, he explained that he was Jewish and that he was here to talk to us about money…so we should listen up.
No argument on my part. After several intense hours of pouring over different retirement plans we took a break for lunch. So, I seized the opportunity to get some one-on-one coaching for my tax situation.
You see, I’ve lived in both Tennessee and Texas where the folks down there have the good sense not to have a state income tax. And, I never realized before what a difference not having a state income tax can make to the take home pay. I explained all this to Yehuda.
Yehuda: Are you investing the maximum pre-tax amount in your 401K?
Simone: Yes
Yehuda: Are you taking the deductions for your student loan interest?
Simone: Yes
Yehuda: Do you contribute to the Health Savings Account?
Simone: Yep
Yehuda: Hmmmm, You should get married.
I can’t remember how I responded to that, but I do remember thinking “Seriously, is that the best advice you can give a single girl?”
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That’s what a woman said to me when talking about her desire to me in a relationship. She said, “I don’t need a man, I just want one for companionship.”
It took me a while to process what she said. And, I don’t remember my response. But, I remember thinking “that makes no sense. And, I’m sure a man would never want to be around you…given your sour attitude.”
But, in reality, her sentiment is echoed by many women. Remember, the scene from the movie, Best Man: Holiday, where Jordan tells her new boo she doesn’t need him?
It is painful to watch.
A word from men on this subject.
It is a fact of a life, we treat things that we value with care. And, if we don’t value being in a relationship with men. It will affect how we treat them.
A word from an expert on this subject.
Laura Doyle discusses this in her book , The Surrendered Single. She says that saying we don’t need a man is ultimately about control. She says that denying what we want is a way of controlling our desires so that you can ward off the fear, disappointment,and humiliation.
Needing a man does not equate to being desperate.
She says “being loved by a man is our birthright as a woman. Mating is one of the oldest, ingrained human instincts. While self-sufficiency is admirable, it doesn’t fulfill our needs to be intimate with a man.”Laura explains that surrendering to the desire to be married changes our countenance and body language. “Instead of wearing I-don’t-need-a-man body armor, you’ll signal “I’m available to the right guy.”
The Good News
The good news is that men need us. God said so in Genesis 2:18. “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper* suitable for him.” So, if men need us. Surely, we can’t be too proud to admit that we need men too.
*I know that word “helper” is a touchy subject. I’ve been researching it and we’ll be discussing it soon.
Question: Do you know anyone that wears I-don’t-need-man body armor”? If so, how does it affect their relationships?
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PS: In July, I’ll be hosting my first live event in Washington, D.C! Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing details next week.
“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book, Growing Together in Family.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.
My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.
It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXJe7tsgZqM
So, what did you think?
Last week I read, Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right.
Summary
According to the authors, the book teaches women to focus on the state of their hearts, not the state of their status (single, married, divorced or widowed). The book explains that too many women grow up believing that the inconsolable ache in her heart is for “a man.” That ache is meant to nudge a woman closer to God. Lady in Waiting is not about finding the right man, but being the right woman. It focuses on ten qualities that are found in the book of Ruth.
My Review
I liked most of this book, but parts of the book seemed quite repetitive. I love the first chapter, because it explains how much Jesus wants to be in a relationship with us.
I also feel like I understand the book of Ruth on a deeper level. Ruth lost her husband and gave up everything that was familiar to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, and her God. Ruth wasn’t afraid. The story is SO familiar to me, I guess I’ve just glazed over how brave Ruth was. She trusted God, even after she lost her husband.
Best Feature
This book gave me a fresh look at the book of Ruth. Ruth choose new friends, new surroundings, and a new faith all while she was grieving.
I thought about my own life and how friends influenced me for good or evil. There are only two categories of friends one’s that bring you closer to God and or ones that drive you away from God. The same is true for our surroundings.
This book also had some grrrrreat questions at the end of each chapter. For example, is your status as single affecting your relationship with God? Is your relationship with Jesus one of sacrifice or convenience?
Rating
Two thumbs up.
It has come to my attention that my last four reviews have all been two thumbs up. I just haven’t read any books yet that I would not recommend. If I do, you’ll know. I promise.
Next Up
A Father First by Dwayne Wade
ps: Please forgive me for not posting on Sunday. Last weekend was action packed.
This week, I’ve been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Summary
My Review
I cannot say enough good things about this book, because it saved me from damaging my relationship with my husband one day. I think of this book sort of like a reference book for solving relationship, marriage, and family problems. Even though, Mr. Carnegie primarily intended for it to be used for professional relationships. The lessons are applicable to family life.
The only down side of this book is that some of the reference to famous authors and thought-leaders of that day are lost on me. I had no idea who Leland Foster Wood was, but nevertheless the information is helpful to building rich relationships.
Best Feature
The final section of the book is entitled, Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier. Here are Mr. Carnegie’s Rules:
Rule 1: Don’t nag.
Rule 2: Don’t try to make your partner over.
Rule 3: Don’t criticize.
Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.
Rule 5: Pay little attentions.
Rule 6: Be courteous.
Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
For each rule, he tells a story of how the rule should or should not work at home. For example, did you know that Abraham Lincoln’s wife was an incredible nag? It’s true! Before being president, he would even arrange his travel schedule to be away from home for long periods of time to avoid her.
This is one of the stories that motivated me to stop nagging.
Rating
Two thumbs up!
Next Review
Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones
Last week, I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by Dr. John Gray.
Summary
According to Amazon, the book is a classic guide to understanding the opposite sex, Dr. John Gray provides a practical and proven way for men and women to improve their communication by acknowledging the differences between their needs, desires, and behaviors. No other relationship guide on the market will give you the same level of evidence-based insight sure to help you strengthen and nurture your relationships for years to come.
My Review
I liked this book. It is practical and truthful. Several times while I was reading I remember thinking “Omigosh, I totally do this.”
For example, Dr. Gray says that men mistakenly want to “fix” women, women mistakenly try to “improve” men. But, when a woman tries to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This is hurtful and makes him feel unloved and unaccepted.
I found one drawback. Some sections of the book feel a bit repetitive. However, I imagine that the lessons are so important Dr. Gray wanted to ensure that we didn’t miss anything. I recommend all women read it and share sections with the men in their lives.
Best Feature
The best feature of this book are the translations between men and women. Dr. Gray gives example of what women say versus what they mean, and he does the same for men.
In Chapter 5, he explains that women express feelings and men express information. He says that women often use generalizations that are easily misinterpreted. Here’s a couple examples:
Rating
Two thumbs up.
Next Review:
This week’s reading: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Dr. Stephen R. Covey
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman says that love is the primary human emotional need. He explains that problems arise in relationships and families when people have an empty love tank. An empty love tank is the result of not feeling loved.
Dr. Chapman says that learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse and loved ones can radically change his or her behavior.
The Five Love Languages
Two weeks into our dating, Morris put his hands on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Simone, we are dating now. You have to kiss me as a greeting. Quit it with the waving.” It was super awkward at first. Public displays of affection aren’t really my thing, but I learned. And, our relationship is better for it.
A Full Love Tank
Make sure that when you express love to your husband, family, and friends that you use the right love language. An indicator of their love language may be things they do for you.
Does your friend gives great gifts? Gifts may be her love language.
Does your sister love to hang out? Her love language may be quality time.
Speaking the right love language will keep their love tank full and lead you both to a rich relationship.
Question: What is your love language? And, how do you feel loved?