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M Simone Boyd

The RIGHT Person Myth

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“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book, Growing Together in Family. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.

My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.

It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXJe7tsgZqM

So, what did you think? 

The POWER of First Impressions

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Image | www.adriansnood.com
First impressions are powerful and key to building professional relationships. Because people make decisions based on them. For example:
  • Are you trustworthy?
  • Are you friend or foe?
  • Do they like you?
  • Should they hire you?

Do you know that we only have 7 seconds to make a first impression?

It’s true, according to Forbes.

Part of making a good first impression is believing in yourself, the person you are, and your potential. Perhaps it sounds silly, but each of us has God-given gifts and talents the world needs. And, not making a good first impression could be a barrier to us sharing our gifts with the world.

Let’s look at five easy ways to make a good impression.
 
SMILE
Employers, generally, want to hire friendly people. Smiling is the quickest way to demonstrate that you are friendly and approachable.
 
MAKE EYE CONTACT
Making eye contact shows interest and demonstrates that we have nothing to hide. Now, I’m not saying STARE. Because that’s just weird. But, the majority of the time we should be giving the speaker our full attention.
 
FIRM HANDSHAKE
Giving a firm handshake demonstrates that we are confident and helps build rapport. According to Forbes, a firm handshake can establishjust as much rapport as 3 hours of interaction.
 
FOCUS ON THEM
Pay attention to the speaker and what they are saying. Don’t focus on how you will respond. Doing this frees you to live in the moment and be authentic.
One of my clients is an actor, and we talked about this a few weeks ago. He explained that focusing on the other person (or the given objective in actor speak) frees you to be more responsive.
 
POWER POSE (before hand)
Before going into a stressful situation like a first date, performance, or job interview. I recommend power posing. I learned about this idea from a TED Talk by Amy Cuddy.
 
The idea is that our posture can determine our outcome because we feel better about ourselves. She recommends holding postures of power for 2 minutes for an instant confidence booster.
 
I know you may be skeptical. Morris was too. But, guess what?
 
Just before he did our taxes last month…I caught him power posing.
 
So, give it a shot! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Check out Amy’s 6-minute concept here:  If you found this post helpful, leave a comment below or share it! It makes me feel better to know that I’m not writing long letters to myself:-).
 
Love, Simone
 
Question: What other tactics can we use to make a good first impression?

 

How I Punched Fear In the Face

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A few weeks ago, I did something super scary. I told a room of 50 strangers about my dream of starting a business. Up until this moment, the dream had been somewhat of a secret. I had a business plan, I pitched the idea to my husband, and I told a few close friends. But, the thought of telling strangers was terrifying.

What if they didn’t like my business idea? What if they laughed? What if they didn’t share my opinion or views? Aghhhh! There were just so many things that could wrong.

And, guess what? I pitched my idea at a business pitch competition AND everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

  • I fumbled.
  • My message was unclear.
  • I made dumb faces.
  • I forgot what I wanted to say.
  • And, I even cried.

It was a horrible experience. I cried whenever a nice person tried to tell me that “you did okay.” I cried when anyone tried to console me. I cried on the Metro ride home, and I cried when I told Morris about the whole debacle that night.

And, then I went to bed. But, I didn’t sleep. Because, I kept replaying the day’s events in my head.

Fear Holds Us Back 
Fear holds us back from soooo many things: mending relationships, taking new jobs, moving, etc. Fear is powerful, because we focus on everything that could go wrong. We tend to forget about the things that could go right.

The good news is that: even when everything does go wrong…we survive.

The Good News
I think that’s why the Bible talks about fear so much, because the Lord understands that it only holds us back. And, even if bad things happen we survive. He’ll be with us.

Joshua 9:1 says: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I Bounced Back 
The crazy thing about the pitch competition is that the first time was only practice. So, I had to go back the next day and do the pitch again in front of twice as many people.

But, the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. So, I got up super early and began practicing with my webcam. It went well that time, and…I was selected as a finalist!

I’ll know in June whether or not I’m selected to enter the Count Me In/Capitol One Business Accelerator program. But, even if I’m not selected I feel like I’ve already won…because I punched my fears and I survived. By the way, check out my Hire Me! Page…it’s another step in me fighting fear.

Tell me how is fear holding you back? And, what could you do to punch it?

I look forward to hearing from you. Love, Simone

*Image| Piranhagear.com

What Do You Deserve?

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So many people feel like they deserve so much:

  • I deserve this promotion, because I’ve worked here for 30 years.
  • I deserve this house and car, because I work 40 hours a week.
  • I deserve this man, because I’m educated and have a decent job.

Entitlement is a disease. It affects the way we behave and treat people. Because you cannot be grateful for something that you feel entitled to. Pete Wilson talks about this in a great blog post entitled, The Death of Gratitude 

Entitlement will kill any relationship
When you have the mindset that you deserve something, you won’t appreciate it. For example, I could not appreciate it when my husband takes out the trash…if I feel like that’s his job.

 

Comparison Society
I was talking to my wise friend, Byron, about this topic. We agree that the rise of social media is a contributing factor.Because it allows us to constantly compare ourselves to others.  We see an image of someone’s new car or new house and say to ourselves “Hey, I’m waaay better than them. So, I should have something better.

 

I Struggle Too
I’ve been blogging for 4 years, and I feel like I deserve to be a lot farther along. The problem is that I compare myself to the results of others. I see people on Shark Tank and think “ I could do that.” Or I read a post and think? Why does this person have more followers than me? I’m a way better writer. But, I’m comparing myself to their results…not their journey to their results.

 

Relationships
The same is true for relationships. You may think you deserve this person or that. But, if you are comparing yourself to people that seemingly have it all together …be careful. You don’t know what they’ve been through.

 

What Do We Deserve? 
Absolutely nothing. And in the end, simply waking up in the morning is a bonus.

 

A Word from Dave Ramsey
When someone asks Dave Ramsey “how are you?” He says “Better than I deserve.”Now, this is a man that has been featured on Oprah, has at least 3 New York Times Bestsellers, is an award-winning radio host, and has helped millions of people attain financial freedom. Yet, he doesn’t feel entitled to anything. The world would be a better place if more of us held this attitude and lacked a sense of entitlement.

 

Question: What strategies can you and I use to fight the entitlement mindset? 


*Image|umbc.edu

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right

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Last week I read, Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. 

 Summary
According to the authors, the book teaches women to focus on the state of their hearts, not the state of their status (single, married, divorced or widowed). The book explains that too many women grow up believing that the inconsolable ache in her heart is for “a man.” That ache is meant to nudge a woman closer to God. Lady in Waiting is not about finding the right man, but being the right woman. It focuses on ten qualities that are found in the book of Ruth.

My Review
I liked most of this book, but parts of the book seemed quite repetitive. I love the first chapter, because it explains how much Jesus wants to be in a relationship with us.

I also feel like I understand the book of Ruth  on a deeper level. Ruth lost her husband and gave up everything that was familiar to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, and her God. Ruth wasn’t afraid. The story is SO familiar to me, I guess I’ve just glazed over how brave Ruth was. She trusted God, even after she lost her husband.

Best Feature
This book gave me a fresh look at the book of Ruth. Ruth choose new friends, new surroundings, and a new faith all while she was grieving.

I thought about my own life and how friends influenced me for good or evil. There are only two categories of friends one’s that bring you closer to God and or ones that drive you away from God. The same is true for our surroundings.

This book also had some grrrrreat questions at the end of each chapter. For example, is your status as single affecting your relationship with God? Is your relationship with Jesus one of sacrifice or convenience?

Rating 
Two thumbs up.

It has come to my attention that my last four reviews have all been two thumbs up. I just haven’t read any books yet that I would not recommend. If I do, you’ll know. I promise.

Next Up
A Father First by Dwayne Wade

ps: Please forgive me for not posting on Sunday.  Last weekend was action packed.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

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This week, I’ve been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Summary 

According to Amazon, for more than 60 years  this book has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives. The book will teach you:
* 3 fundamental techniques in handling people
* 6 ways to make people like you
* 12 ways to win people to you way of thinking

My Review

I cannot say enough good things about this book, because it saved me from damaging my relationship with my husband one day. I think of this book sort of like a reference book for solving relationship, marriage, and family problems. Even though, Mr. Carnegie primarily intended for it to be used for professional relationships. The lessons are applicable to family life.

The only down side of this book is that some of the reference to famous authors and thought-leaders of that day are lost on me. I had no idea who Leland Foster Wood was, but nevertheless the information is helpful to building rich relationships.

Best Feature 

The final section of the book is entitled, Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier. Here are Mr. Carnegie’s Rules:

Rule 1: Don’t nag.

Rule 2: Don’t try to make your partner over.

Rule 3: Don’t criticize.

Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.

Rule 5: Pay little attentions.

Rule 6: Be courteous.

Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

For each rule, he tells a story of how the rule should or should not work at home. For example, did you know that Abraham Lincoln’s wife was an incredible nag? It’s true! Before being president, he would even arrange his travel schedule to be away from home for long periods of time to avoid her.

This is one of the stories that motivated me to stop nagging.

Rating

Two thumbs up!

Next Review

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones


Video: How to Become a Better Parent in Less than 3 Minutes

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This week I am reading, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey. The book has great advice on how to be intentional within the family unit, and I’ll post a review in a few days.

In the meantime, I want to share my first video with you. I gave this talk a few months ago and I thought it might be helpful.

Tip 1: Do-Keep The Love Tank Full
Tip 2: Do-Practice What You Preach
Tip 3: Don’t- Hide Your Mistakes from Your Children
Question: What else should I add to this list of parenting tips?

Men are from Mars Women are From Venus

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Last week, I read  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by Dr. John Gray.

Summary
According to Amazon, the book is a classic guide to understanding the opposite sex, Dr. John Gray provides a practical and proven way for men and women to improve their communication by acknowledging the differences between their needs, desires, and behaviors. No other relationship guide on the market will give you the same level of evidence-based insight sure to help you strengthen and nurture your relationships for years to come. 

My Review
I liked this book. It is practical and truthful. Several times while I was reading I remember thinking “Omigosh, I totally do this.”

For example, Dr. Gray says that men mistakenly want to “fix” women, women mistakenly try to “improve” men.  But, when a woman tries to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This is hurtful and makes him feel unloved and unaccepted.

I found one drawback. Some sections of the book feel a bit repetitive. However, I imagine that the lessons are so important Dr. Gray wanted to ensure that we didn’t miss anything.  I recommend all women read it and share sections with the men in their lives.

Best Feature
The best feature of this book are the translations between men and women. Dr. Gray gives example of what women say versus what they mean, and he does the same for men.

In Chapter 5, he explains that women express feelings and men express information. He says that women often use generalizations that are easily misinterpreted. Here’s a couple examples:

Women Say:           Men Respond:
                          “We never go out.”            “That’s not true. We went out last week.”
      “No one listens to me anymore.”            “But I am listening to you right now.”

Rating 
Two thumbs up.


Next Review: 
This week’s reading: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Dr. Stephen R. Covey

The War on Families

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Image| theragblog.blogspot.com

Two years ago, I was a juror for a criminal case.

At the time of her arrest,  the defendant had a gun, drugs, and her 18 month-old son in the car at the time.

And I began to get a picture of the her  life from the character witnesses. Her family was unsupportive. Her boyfriend was unkind, and she was uneducated.

It made me sad, because as a juror I am sworn to look at the facts of the case in isolation. But as a christian, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this young girl that had been failed by so many.

They Were Both Doomed

And, I started thinking about what kind of life her son would have. The odds are that:

  • He will live in poverty
  • He will not complete high school
  • He will have anger problems
  • He will face a similar jury for committing similar crimes. 
And, I got angry because I realized this baby boy and his mother we both doomed.

So, in my zeal to do something I decided I would change careers and become a  parole officer. But, after weeks of phone calls, introductory e-mails, and research I never even got an informational interview.

So, I decided I would wage war with my keyboard.

image
The War On Families

Whether or not you realize it, there is a war on families. And, it is fought in many seemingly unrelated battles:

  • fewer Christian women getting married
  • the number of marriages that end in divorce 
  • the proliferation of same-sex marriage laws
  • the wrong images of marriage that abound (read: Jay-Z and Beyonce et.al. )
  • continuous family feuds and unresolved conflicts

John 10:10 says that the Thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But, Jesus came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Abundant life includes our relationships, marriages and families. 


And, I am on a mission to see that restored. 

Why I Write this Blog
I write this blog because the world needs strong families. Strong families start with strong marriages. And, strong marriages start with strong relationships.

John C. Maxwell in his book, Make Today Count, says that the relational foundation of any family is a couple’s marriage. It sets the tone for the household, and it is the model relationship that children learn from more than any other.

I also write this blog for my single friends that I love and adore. They want to be married. I want to share the lessons I am learning. I also want them to skip my mistakes.

Question: What battles do you see being fought against strong families? 

Is Your Love Tank Empty?

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In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman says that love is the primary human emotional need. He explains that problems arise in relationships and families when people have an empty love tank. An empty love tank is the result of not feeling loved.

Dr. Chapman says that learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse and loved ones can radically change his or her behavior.

The Five Love Languages

  • Words of Affirmation: use words that build up and encourage. “Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.” They are best expressed simply such as, “I love your hair.” “You look great in that color.”
  • Quality Time: giving your husband your undivided attention. Dr. Chapman cautions not to confuse togetherness with proximity. Togetherness means focused attention i.e. turning the TV off.
  • Gifts: a gift is a symbol of thoughts and love.”It doesn’t matter whether it costs money, what is important is that you thought of them.”
  • Acts of Service: doing things your husband or loved one would like you to do. This is my love language and I am over the moon when Morris cleans the bathroom.
  • Physical Touch: is pretty straightforward. This is Morris’ love language.

Two weeks into our dating, Morris put his hands on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Simone, we are dating now. You have to kiss me as a greeting. Quit it with the waving.” It was super awkward at first. Public displays of affection aren’t really my thing, but I learned. And, our relationship is better for it.

A Full Love Tank

Make sure that when you express love to your husband, family, and friends that you use the right love language. An indicator of their love language may be things they do for you.

Does your friend gives great gifts? Gifts may be her love language.

Does your sister love to hang out? Her love language may be quality time.

Speaking the right love language will keep their love tank full and lead you both to a rich relationship.

Question: What is your love language? And, how do you feel loved?