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M Simone Boyd

How NOT to Talk to Guys

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Image | David Wygant

I had a problem when I was single. I didn’t know how to talk to guys. I know what you are thinking. “Simone, you are the farthest thing from shy?! What was your problem?”When it came to guys that I thought I might like…I had a bad habit of ignoring them. I got all nervous, and couldn’t think straight, and couldn’t make coherent sentences.

In other words, I lost all sense of normalcy. So, I resorted to ignoring them in an effort to keep from saying something completely stupid.Here is a typical conversation that I might have had with a guy that I have no interest in what so ever.

Conversation A
Simone: Good Morning, Titus! How are you?
Guy A: Good, Simone, how are you?

Simone: Well, thank you. Did you have a good weekend?
Guy A: I did, but I didn’t do much watched the game, hung out with some friends, and went running. That’s about it.

Simone: Sounds like you had a good weekend! I went running too, but the heat made it pretty tough. I’m going to try and run earlier next weekend. Are you training for anything?
Guy A: Yes, the Marine Corp Marathon. I’ve run it a couple of years in a row.

Simone: Whoa! That’s awesome. I dream about doing a marathon one day, but I’m not there yet. Congratulations on setting that tremendous physical goal, Titus. It was good to talk to you. Have a good day!
Guy A: You too, Simone. See you later.

Now, for the conversation with the guy that I thought I might like…but I had no idea because I’ve never had a decent conversation with him.

Conversation B
Guy B: Hi Simone! How are you?
Simone: Well, thank you.

Guy B: Did you have a good weekend?
Simone: Yes, thank you.

Guy B: Oh, what did you do?
Simone: Nothing much, just hung around.

Guy B: Well, that sounds nice. Have a good day, Simone
Simone: Thanks.

Why on Earth did I do this?

Things worked out in the end, and I wound up with my dream man. But, it turns out I’m not the only one with this problem.

If you too get a case of the heebie jeebies when it comes to talking to guys… try these 3 tips:

  • Smile: It turns out that guys almost never approach girls that look mean or unapproachable.
  • Don’t Jump the Gun: Aim for having a short friendly conversation, and avoid the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what your future children will look like. It’s simply too much pressure.
  •  Compliment Him: All God’s children like compliments. No matter how confident a man looks on the outside, he still needs to know he’s enough. And, compliments are a great way to kick off a conversation.
    It might seem a little scary at first, but you got this! Question: What other ways can single women let guys know they are interested? 

Tax Help for Single Girls (Update)

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Image | USA Today

Yehuda Fishkind, a Certified Financial Analyst, came to my job a few years ago to conduct a Financial Planning Seminar for new hires. At the beginning of the seminar, he explained that he was Jewish and that he was here to talk to us about money…so we should listen up.

No argument on my part. After several intense hours of pouring over different retirement plans we took a break for lunch. So, I seized the opportunity to get some one-on-one coaching for my tax situation.

You see, I’ve lived in both Tennessee and Texas where the folks down there have the good sense not to have a state income tax. And, I never realized before what a difference not having a state income tax can make to the take home pay. I explained all this to Yehuda.

Yehuda: Are you investing the maximum pre-tax amount in your 401K?
Simone: Yes

Yehuda: Are you taking the deductions for your student loan interest?
Simone: Yes

Yehuda: Do you contribute to the Health Savings Account?
Simone: Yep

Yehuda: Hmmmm, You should get married.

I can’t remember how I responded to that, but I do remember thinking “Seriously, is that the best advice you can give a single girl?”

The Dating Intervention (Update)

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Image | recovery.org

A few years ago my dear friend and colleague, Marie, came to my office. I could tell by the way her eye brows were furrowed that she meant business. She edits my work too. So, my first thought was “Lord, what have I done now?”

She sat down and began with the usual pleasantries. “How are you? What are your plans for the weekend, etc. etc.” I explained (nonchalantly) that I was going to run, hang out with some friends, see a musical…the usual.

And then the boot dropped. Marie was here to stage an intervention for my dating life.

“Simone, do you even want to meet a guy? I mean, have you even asked God where you can meet guys? I mean to date…not to evangelize. Seriously, he’s not going to show up on your door step wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I’m the one.’ Simone, I don’t think you are taking this stuff seriously because if you were…you would be trying to make yourself available. Its going to take two years you know. One to date and a year to be engaged. Have you thought about that? I doubt it. Because clearly, you’d be frustrated if you had!”

People, I cannot make this stuff up.

So, after an hour of “counseling.” We agreed that I would make better decisions on how I spent my time. The goal was to make myself more available to meeting guys.

As a good faith effort, I decided to go to a fireworks display that Saturday night, rather than a musical. Let’s face it there wouldn’t be any eligible bachelor’s at Mama Mia .

However, I didn’t tell Marie that I spent Friday night…in my apartment…reading a book until 4:30 a.m. That would have landed me another tongue lashing.

Thank God for Marie, though. Being available is a big part of the dating game. And, she knew what she was talking about too, because less than two years later…I was hitched.

(Video) Finding Mr. Right

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I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding Mr. Right. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXJe7tsgZqM

“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book,Growing Together in Family. 

My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.

It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Rerun: 28 Days and Counting

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As I mentioned last week, for the month of July we’ll be taking a walk down memory lane to where this blog all started. Four years ago my younger brother had the audacity to get married before me and the single Simone was a little worried. 
Isaac & Simone

My brother, Isaac, is getting married in 28 days. I am more than excited for him. But, I am less than enthusiastic for myself. You see, Isaac is 25. I am 28. He is getting married before me, and that presents a conundrum. Why you say? Because, I will have to face all of our family, all of our friends, and all their questions.You know the questions I’m referring to. The one’s that come with raised eyebrows and feigned courtesy. You look great, Simone, how are you doing? Translation: You aren’t ugly, Simone, why aren’t you married? Ahhhh!

What’s a single girl to do? How do I explain that I am content? I LOVE my, family, job, apartment, friends, church, and all around life. How do I explain that when I wake up in the morning I thank God for another day that I get to live in this FANTASTIC city? Why does it have to boil down to this one future guy that I hope to meet in the near or distant future?

Yes. One day I do want to be married. Yes. I do want to have 4-6 kids. No. I am not delusional. I know that if I want to have that many kids I’ll have to start sooner rather than later. And No. I’m not one of those Sex in the City gals that thinks having a great career, wearing high heels to walk 20 blocks, and sleeping around is the life. I’m just not in a hurry. Can that be okay?

How to Recover from the Mr. Wrongs and Get Ready for Mr. Right

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Spiritually speaking, my college years were dark. And, when I look back on those years I shudder.  Because, I entangled myself in bad relationships and situations that could’ve ended in a number of dire situations.

Thankfully, the Lord used those years to teach me priceless lessons. And, God has used my story to free other women. Looking back, I can see that it was all about rebellion.

Mr. Wrongs

Rebellion from the lessons of faith I had been taught growing up. I thought I was running into freedom, but I was actually running into destruction. And, it took a long time to untangle my soul from the men I had attached myself to. My road to redemption started with me telling my dad that I didn’t want to live that kind of life anymore. But, it was still a long road from there.

The Switch

While living in El Paso, TX with my grandfather, I began dating my first Christian guy. I had it all planned out– we were going to get married. He went to church and loved Jesus. That was enough for me. Let’s seal the deal.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had asked my dad if we could get married. And, we had only dated a few months. My dad’s response was “let’s see what happens.” Not, exactly a vote of confidence. There were a few red flags, but nothing I couldn’t “sort out” once we were hitched.The relationship seemed to be going well until September of 2007.

And, then the boot dropped. He gave me an ultimatum. Was I going to stay in El Paso after school or move away?

And, I…I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to be open to God’s will. I didn’t want to commit myself to El Paso! My life was just starting. And, I said just that.

And, he broke up with me.
I was crushed. I cried and listened to Jennifer Hudson’s “And, I’m telling you I’m Not Going” for about 3 weeks. And, I watched Mahogany with Dianna Ross for the first time.

The Good News

The good news is that I survived. And, God continues to use my sordid past and my terrible break up for His glory.
Romans 8:28 says that: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God didn’t intend for me to experience those things. It was my disobedience that led me down that path. But, He can use it all the same.

My Dating Hiatus

I swore off men for three years after my break-up. And, the next man that I dated was Morris, my awesome husband.

Milton Yang | Photography
Milton Yang | Photography

During that dating hiatus my relationship with the Lord grew strong. I prayed more. I studied the Bible more, and I began paying off debt and running half marathons. God used my dating hiatus to strengthen me personally. And, heal my heart from relationship wounds.

I read a book this month entitled, The Waiting Room by T.C. Spellen. It is a 31-Day Devotional for single women waiting for the right husband. I loved this book, because it is a spiritual roadmap to preparing for marriage. T.C. includes discussions on:

  • Taming the Tongue
  • Creating Boundaries
  • Praying

These are things that I learned during my dating hiatus. But, I think T.C.’s book could’ve helped me recover from the Mr. Wrongs and prepare for Mr. Right a lot faster.Question: How have you recovered from the Mr. Wrongs? And, what’s your strategy to prepare for Mr. Right?

PS: I’m hosting my first relationship workshop next month. I’d love for you to come. You can buy a ticket here.

What a Father Looks Like

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My brother, Israel Kirk, made this Father’s Day video for me, and I wanted to share it.

Celebrate your father or a good father that you know today. John Eldredge in his book, Wild at Heart, says that the question that haunts every man is “Am I Enough?”

So, encourage and appreciate your father, the fathers you know, and future fathers today. Let them know that they are more than enough and just what they mean to you.

Happy Father’s Day! Love, Simone

“I Don’t Need a Man”

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I don't need a man

That’s what a woman said to me when talking about her desire to me in a relationship. She said, “I don’t need a man, I just want one for companionship.”

It took me a while to process what she said. And, I don’t remember my response. But, I remember thinking “that makes no sense. And, I’m sure a man would never want to be around you…given your sour attitude.”

But, in reality, her sentiment is echoed by many women. Remember, the scene from the movie, Best Man: Holiday, where Jordan tells her new boo she doesn’t need him?

It is painful to watch.

A word from men on this subject. 

Later on, the words of one of the christian black  men that I interviewed
earlier this year came back to me. He said that “often times women convince themselves that they don’t need a man, and it affects how they treat them.”Now, that statement makes perfect sense!When we don’t need something, we treat it accordingly.Think about all the things that you don’t need i.e. the extra pair of jeans that we no longer fit/need that we keep around for posterity. We just throw them in the closet any old where. But, that new dress that makes you feel like a million bucks…that dress gets prime closet real estate.

It is a fact of a life, we treat things that we value with care. And, if we don’t value being in a relationship with men. It will affect how we treat them.

A word from an expert on this subject. 

Laura Doyle discusses this in her book , The Surrendered Single.  She says that saying we don’t need a man is ultimately about control. She says that denying what we want is a way of controlling our desires so that you can ward off the fear, disappointment,and humiliation.

Needing a man does not equate to being desperate. 
She says “being loved by a man is our birthright as a woman. Mating is one of the oldest, ingrained human instincts. While self-sufficiency is admirable, it doesn’t fulfill our needs to be intimate with a man.”Laura explains that surrendering to the desire to be married changes our countenance and body language. “Instead of wearing I-don’t-need-a-man body armor, you’ll signal “I’m available to the right guy.”

The Good News
The good news is that men need us. God said so in Genesis 2:18. “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper* suitable for him.” So, if men need us. Surely, we can’t be too proud to admit that we need men too.

*I  know that word “helper” is a touchy subject. I’ve been researching it and we’ll be discussing it soon.

Question: Do you know anyone that wears I-don’t-need-man  body armor”? If so, how does it affect their relationships? 


*******
PS: In July, I’ll be hosting my first live event in Washington, D.C! Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing details next week.

Awesome Black Dads

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In celebration of Father’s Day, I am showcasing awesome black dads for the month of June. There are a lot of them out there, but for some reason the spotlight doesn’t shine on them often.

Here’s a picture of me and my dad…a looong time ago. If you have an awesome black dad or know an awesome black dad would you send me a picture and a bit about him?

I’d love to showcase him here. Love, Simone