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M Simone Boyd

Is Your Love Tank Empty?

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In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman says that love is the primary human emotional need. He explains that problems arise in relationships and families when people have an empty love tank. An empty love tank is the result of not feeling loved.

Dr. Chapman says that learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse and loved ones can radically change his or her behavior.

The Five Love Languages

  • Words of Affirmation: use words that build up and encourage. “Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.” They are best expressed simply such as, “I love your hair.” “You look great in that color.”
  • Quality Time: giving your husband your undivided attention. Dr. Chapman cautions not to confuse togetherness with proximity. Togetherness means focused attention i.e. turning the TV off.
  • Gifts: a gift is a symbol of thoughts and love.”It doesn’t matter whether it costs money, what is important is that you thought of them.”
  • Acts of Service: doing things your husband or loved one would like you to do. This is my love language and I am over the moon when Morris cleans the bathroom.
  • Physical Touch: is pretty straightforward. This is Morris’ love language.

Two weeks into our dating, Morris put his hands on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Simone, we are dating now. You have to kiss me as a greeting. Quit it with the waving.” It was super awkward at first. Public displays of affection aren’t really my thing, but I learned. And, our relationship is better for it.

A Full Love Tank

Make sure that when you express love to your husband, family, and friends that you use the right love language. An indicator of their love language may be things they do for you.

Does your friend gives great gifts? Gifts may be her love language.

Does your sister love to hang out? Her love language may be quality time.

Speaking the right love language will keep their love tank full and lead you both to a rich relationship.

Question: What is your love language? And, how do you feel loved?

 

The Power of Letting Go

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I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.

We all have been wounded.  We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.


 The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:

  • Satan seeks to burdens us with offenses.
  • We must reject retaliation and refuse to get even.
  • We must be open to reconciliation.

The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.

 Offense Hurts You and Your Relationship with God
John Bevere in his book, The Bait of Satan, talks about offense. He says that offense imprisons us, severs relationships, and hinders our relationship with God. Because an offended Christian is one that takes in life, but because of fear cannot release life. ( Please read his book. If you apply the principles, it will change your walk with the Lord and your relationships).
Image| glorialockhart.com

Forgiveness is the key to letting go.

Make a Decision 

We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.

Do you remember the parable of the talents?

In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.

The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.


Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?

 

Dating Outside the Box

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Image | cltc.com

When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.

My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.

It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.

So, I tested Morris one day.

We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter. 

He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”

“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.

I Was Wrong. 
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.

Dating Outside the Box

The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.

Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.

I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.

The Problems with the Box:

  • You rule out a lot of good men.
  • The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
  • It leaves little room for input from the Lord.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.

God Knows What We Need, We Don’t. 

I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.

You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need.  Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.

Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?

 

The Death of Decency

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Image | BET Networks

Last week the television series, Being Mary Jane, concluded its 8-week run on BET. The show followed the life of Mary Jane Paul, a successful news anchor that has a tumultuous family and love life. She dates and pursues a relationship with a married man.

The troubling fact is, that in an effort to promote the show, BET urged women to take to social media and explain why they are Mary Jane. Thousands of women responded for the chance to be featured on a commercial break. And it made me wonder, why is there a constant stream of indecency nowadays?



Media Rewards Indecency
Say you are Mary Jane, and we’ll give you a commercial. Beyonce bares her backside on the Grammy’s, and her album sales skyrocket. Miley Cyrus shakes her fanny, and she is rewarded with millions of YouTube views. And, the Boston Marathon bomber is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. The message we send is do something harmful, indecent, or reckless, and everyone will pay attention.
Hurt People, Hurt people
Only a hurting person would purposefully wreak havoc on someone else’s marriage. Perhaps Mary Jane is lonely. Perhaps she is scared she will wind up alone. Either way she is hurting and she is determined to ensure that others hurt.  Mary Jane may intend to head toward “happily ever after”, but her direction is headed toward heartache and heart break.

The Principle of the Path
In his book, the Principle of the Path,  Andy Stanley says that direction-not intention-determines our destination.  If I get in my car and drive toward I-95 South headed toward Richmond. My destination is ultimately, Richmond. It doesn’t matter that I intended to go I-95 North to Baltimore and visit the aquarium. The same is true in life.

If your actions and decisions are headed in the direction of heartache and heartbreak, that will be your ultimate destination.

People Need Truth
The Mary Janes of the world need people that will tell them the truth, reach out, and pray with them and for them. Indecency thrives when we sit by, shake our heads, and do nothing.

We Are in a Battle
The death of decency is simply a symptom of a deeper problem. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But, I came that you might have life and it more abundantly. The death of decency is all a part of the enemy’s plan, and it is played out every single day when a husband is stolen, a family is destroyed, or an innocent is life taken.

But, Christ came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Pĕrissŏs is the Greek word for abundantly, and it means superabundant, beyond, superior, excessive, and superfluous. And, that’s the life Christ wants for me, you, and even the Mary Janes of the world.

Question: What factors do you think are contributing to the death of decency? How can we fight those factors?